Helping Your Choir Grieve the Death of a Choir Member
Being a part of a church choir is a
wonderfully incorporating experience. We meet together twice a week
and share three to four hours together each week. We have shared those
many missed notes in rehearsal. We have laughed together. We have prayed
together. We recall those common moments where our musical performance was
excellent. The anthem was finished and as the reverberation dies off in
the worship center, there was complete silence. God’s spirit had empowered
us to sing and for just a moment all the worshipers were in complete awe of God.
We celebrate our personal joys together. We also share our tough times.
Even though we don’t practice and sing together, during the entire summer, we
still are a part of the choir community. We belong to one of
the truly great communities of God’s people. We love each other and are
truly blessed.
Eventually, we might face the challenge to
grieve the death of one of our choir members whom we love. We are stunned
by her unexpected death. We will need to gather together and prepare the
music for her memorial service. If we know and love our singers, our loss
will be a great personal loss. As the director you realize that you have a
pastoral ministry responsibility to help the choristers to grieve their loss as
well. With some, this comes easily. With others, there is no quick
or easy path for grieving so great a loss. If at all possible, you have been
ministering to the surviving family through this crisis. If the death was
an accident, you should initiate with her family and pray with and for them at
this great time of sorrow. It would be particularly supportive to organize
some of the practical matters to help the family. You will need to have in
place an efficient method of communication with each of your choristers.
You could suggest that the provide food for the family for a few days.
As you communicate this loss to your choir
members, be certain to include those who have been a part of your choral
ministry over the last several years, even if they might not presently in the
choir. When you gather the choir to rehearse for the memorial service, you
cannot simply gather and start with a quick prayer, choral warm-up exercises and
commence the learning the music for the service and then go home as if it were a
typical rehearsal. This rehearsal will not be typical in any sense. You
have a pastoral responsibility to help the healing begin with all those in the
choir.
The Rehearsal
To follow are some suggestions that you
might consider to help begin this process.
You can prepare some symbols that will help
the choir to feel and visualize their loss. Arrange the rehearsal room
normally. This night her chair will be empty. Take her robe and
drape it across her chair and place her music folder or her hymnal on the choir
chair. This can symbolize that she is a part of your ministry and has had a
specific place in your midst. Her absence is immediate, real and very sad.
You can also secure and light a candle prior to everyone’s arrival.
Let the candle burn throughout the rehearsal. Place it away from her
chair, in a prominent place but not at the center of the room. The candle
can symbolize the reality of her eternal live with Christ. Her rich life
was with God while she was in your midst. Although she is no longer with
us, she does live on with God. This symbol can give us a visual expression
of God’s love for her as well as each one of us who live our lives in fellowship
with God.
Once everyone arrives at the rehearsal, you
might consider the following suggestions as to how to proceed. You can
start by explaining the symbols that you have prepared and what they stand for.
You can then give a brief explanation of how the death occurred, expressing your
own personal feelings. Some will already know this information, but all
can benefit by hearing what happened. Those who do not have many details
will want to hear, but not ask for the details. Then, give each person in
the choir an opportunity to share something about their friendship with the one
who has passed away. Some will share a funny moment. Others might
share how she reached out to them in the past and how much love they experienced
from her. Don’t rush the moment and don’t be embarrassed by silence.
This time will be truly difficult for many. However, it is very important
that we first get in touch with our grief and then that we express it to
others.
You might offer a time of prayer together
giving God thanks for the blessing of knowing her and for the joy she gave to
others. Pray for other family members who are left, a spouse, children or
grandchildren. Pray by name for those who were particularly close friends
and that they might receive encouragement from the Lord in this time of grief.
You might then move to sing something
together as a time of worship, perhaps a choral piece that you all know or a
favorite hymn. This will allow all of you to begin focusing on the Lord
and be thankful that he loves all of us, including the one no longer in our
midst. This is not the time for choral perfection. It is the time to
allow God’s spirit to use music to minister to our hearts where mere words fall
short. Once this has been accomplished, you could then pass out the
memorial service bulletin and go over the order of worship for the service.
It is likely that because this is for one
who was in the choir that there will be music of specific personal interest.
Explain the significance of hymns and service music selected. After that has
been looked over, your choir could then begin the actual choral rehearsal for
the service. Be certain to leave the symbols in place throughout the
entire rehearsal until the last person leaves the room.
The Memorial Service
As you gather to warm-up before the
memorial service, encourage the choir that their ministry in music will be
fundamental to the ministry to the family at the service. Their strong
singing will help the faint hearted in the service. As you process by the
family or kneel for communion, offer a prayer for those in the family. As
pastors and ministers of music in the church, we are called by God to love and
comfort all the bereaved both the family as well as the choir members.
However, at all points, we should seek the guidance of the Lord as to how to
help them enter into a deepening spiritual relationship with God through this
time of grief. This will truly be the work of God in our midst. It
is our privilege to be one of God’s instruments of love.
Thanks be to God!